


Miscommunication

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Love doesn't fix all but can help [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 04:04:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8782261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Yuri has a panic attack which leads to both Yuri and Victor getting hurt feelings.  (They work things out though)





	

**Author's Note:**

> For how my brain processes things I prefer to use the spellings from the Crunchyroll subtitles.

Yuri wasn’t even sure what set it off this time.  It happened like that sometimes. Something on the edge of his awareness would set off the shaking, the lump in his throat, the pain in the chest where it’s hard to breathe. 

He had been watching a movie with Victor on his coach’s bed and maybe it was something someone said in the film but he felt the panic rising in his throat.

 Victor glanced at him when he realised Yuri was no longer laughing at the stupid jokes in the movie. He opened his mouth to say something as he took in how tightly Yuri’s jaw was clenched and how his hands were balled into fists when Yuri suddenly moved.  Without saying a word Yuri got up from the bed and walked swiftly out of the room.

Victor hurried to follow him and watched as Yuri walked straight into his own room and closed the door behind him. 

Concerned Victor followed him, tapping on the door gently.

“Yuri? Are you okay?” he called.

No answer.

Victor hesitated.  He didn’t want to barge in if Yuri didn’t want him but he was troubled. Making a decision he opened the door to find Yuri curled up in a foetal position on his bed breathing in deliberately slow and large breathes, an expression of deep fear on his face.

 _“Go away go away go away I can’t handle this right now please leave. Everything is too much! Too bright and sharp and painful and please go away!”_ Yuri thought desperately at Victor, trying to send his thoughts and knowing they wouldn’t reach. He clenched his teeth tighter, convinced that if he opened his mouth he’d scream. When he got like this the only thing that helped was time and his breathing exercises. He’d left the room because he couldn’t deal with Victor but dammit the Russian had followed him into his safe space.

“Yuri?” Victor said walking over, he reached out a hand. He was deeply disturbed and even frightened by Yuri.  He could see the younger man was pale, sweating and shaking with fear, his eyes wide as he sat huddled on the bed.  Victor couldn’t understand what was happening.

“Don’t touch me!” Yuri snapped, his expression twisting to one of deep disgust as he jerked away from Victor’s hand.  Victor stared at him.  Yuri had never spoken to him like that before.  He was just trying to help.

“Fine.” Victor said back, his voice cold. “I was just concerned about you but I guess you don’t need to.” To his surprise, Yuri shot him a look of pure venom.

“Oh my god! Are you sulking? This isn’t even about you and I don’t have the energy to deal with your feelings right now!” Yuri shot back as he curled up tighter. Victor clenched his jaw.

“You know what fine! I won’t try to help ever again! I get it! You don’t need to reject me so hard!” Victor was being petty and he knew it but he had only tried to help.

He stormed out of the room and after a moment of hesitation he went and grabbed his coat before stomping off to Minako’s. He needed a drink and he didn’t want to drink here.

The dance instructor took one look at Victor when he came in and sat at the bar and quickly poured him a strong drink.  Victor downed it in one go.

“Another.” He said grimly.

“Only if you promise to drink it slower. I don’t know why you’re so riled up but Yuri will kill me if I let anything happen to you.” Minako told him as she poured him another.

“I doubt it.” He muttered but sipped at his drink instead. 

He finished that one and asked for a third.  When Minako plunked it down in front of him he gripped it in his hands and stared moodily into its depths.

“Am I really so untrustworthy?” he asked finally.

“I’m not going to understand if you don’t lay it out.” Minako told him moving around the bar to sit next to him.

“Yuri…he…I don’t really know what happened. One minute he was fine the next he got up without a word and went to his bedroom. I followed him because I was worried dammit! And I was right to be! He was curled up in a ball and shaking and something was obviously wrong but when I tried to help he snapped and me not to touch him!” Victor complained holding the glass in his hands so tight that his fingers hurt.

“Ah. One of those.” Minako said leaning on the bar, “Don’t take it personally Victor. He wasn’t really rejecting you.” She told him watching him carefully.

“If it had been you or Yuuko…” he muttered darkly.

“If it had been us it would have been the same. In fact, it has been the same.” Minako told him. That got Victor to look at her.

“What?” he asked, his blue eyes wide.

“You know Yuri tends to get anxious easily right? Well he often has his panic get out of control before competition.” She went on. “This is like that, it’s a panic attack. The ones not related to competition are harder to predict though.”

“I already knew he got nervous before competing easily. Usually he seeks hugs to help comfort him, or at least he doesn’t reject the physical contact…” now Victor was worried. Had he always been doing the wrong thing?

“Yeah but it’s not something predictable. Before you came along Yuri hated to let people see his panic attacks.  No one saw how nervous he got properly, he tried to hide it from us all. But both Yuuko and I have seen him when his attacks came out of nowhere. I think he said his friend Phichit has seen him like that as well. Each time it’s been a random attack he has rejected physical contact harshly, even violently.” Minako went on.

“Why?” Victor asked.

“I don’t know.  He’s never told me why, just apologised for being a burden and left.  He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about it with me, or with Yuuko when I asked her.” She continued taking a drink.

“Oh.” Victor looked back down at his drink. He didn’t want to admit it but he felt better knowing it wasn’t a personal rejection and he kind of felt worse for forcing his feelings onto Yuri when he was vulnerable.

“He might to you though.” Minako added looking forward and taking another drink.

“To me what?” Victor asked looking back up at her.

“Open up.”

 

 

After half an hour Yuri got his breathing back under control. Slowly he felt the panic and fear drain out of him leaving behind only the anger and irritation he felt towards Victor. Standing up to stretch he contemplated going to sleep, he normally felt like he needed to after a panic attack that bad but the irritation he was feeling towards Victor was making him restless. He decided to go to Ice Castle and work out his feelings.

Once he got to the rink he put on his skates roughly as his mind seethed.  He took to the ice and started skating in fast paced circles.  He was too pissed off to think about doing jumps, just concentrating on skating around as quickly as he could.

“YURI!”

He crashed into the barrier at the sound of Yuuko’s voice. Clutching the barrier to keep upright he looked up with a glare, still feeling pissed off.

“What?” He snapped.

“Get off the ice and sit down. You’re too wound up.” She demanded her hands on her hips. Yuri sighed but he did as he was ordered, he knew better than to argue with Yuuko when she had that look on her face.

He sat heavily on the bench, his arms crossed over his chest and looking away from her.

“What’s got you so angry?” Yuuko asked holding a mug of hot chocolate out towards him.  He side-eyed it for a moment before taking it grudgingly.

“It’s Victor. He was being an asshole.” He told her trying to keep the anger in his voice but it’s hard to maintain a bad attitude when you’re holding hot chocolate.

“What did he do?” she asked taking a sip of her own hot chocolate and sitting next to him. Yuri sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“I had a bad panic attack and went to my room to recover and he came in and when I told him not to touch me, because I was too wound up to handle being touched, he got all pissy and sulky about it. It’s not like it was even about him. I just needed some time alone.” He explained before taking a long drink.

“Okay, maybe he shouldn’t have gotten mad at you for asking not to be touched during a panic attack…but have you ever explained to him what he should do if one happens?” Yuuko asked.

That brought Yuri up short.

“…No?” He said putting down the mug. “I don’t usually talk about my panic attacks with anyone.”

“Look Yuri, I know you don’t like talking about them.  I mean you wouldn’t even try to explain them to me or Minako and I know you don’t talk about it to your family but Victor’s your coach and he needs to know what to do and what not to do when you have one, and he won’t understand if you don’t tell him.” Yuuko told him.

“I thought taking myself off alone was a fairly obvious leave me the hell alone sign.” He said sourly picking the hot chocolate back up and taking a long drink.

“Yuri, do you have any idea how scary and bewildering it is to see you have a panic attack?” Yuuko demanded crossly. Yuri jumped and looked at her with wide eyes.

“Er…no?” he said shrinking from her a little.

“It’s really confusing and upsetting! Especially the first time! Also, I’m guessing you didn’t ask Victor not to touch you in a nice calm reasonable voice, did you?” she poked him in the side as she spoke.  Yuri winced both because of the poking and because she was right. If he actually reflected on it screaming ‘Don’t touch me’ would be a little off putting.  He hadn’t intended to yell it, that was the panic’s doing but he had to admit it made him look a little like an asshole.

“Maybe…maybe I could have prevented this from happening.” He acknowledged reluctantly. Yuuko hit his shoulder with her own.

“Go talk to him.  Remember he’s not a mind reader.  He’s not going to understand if you don’t tell him.” She said in a gentler voice.  Yuri nodded.  She was right, he needed to talk to Victor.

He finished his hot chocolate, changed out of his skates and packed up his stuff.  He walked home slowly thinking of what to say to Victor.

He still wasn’t sure when he got home, he went upstairs and hesitated outside Victor’s room.  He could see the light was on and finally he got up the courage and tapped on the door.

“Victor? Can I come in?” he asked softly.

There was a pause.

“…Yeah.” Victor finally answered.

Yuri’s heart was beating a mile a minute again but he didn’t feel in a panic. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and stepped into the room.  Victor was sitting cross legged on his bed. Yuri shut the door behind himself and then leaned against it. There was an awkward silence as both men avoided looking at each other.

“Um…when I got back you were out. Where did you go?” Victor asked softly.

“Oh um…Ice Castle. I was still restless after the panic faded.” Yuri explained. Victor looked up at him.

“Oh, so it was a panic attack?” Victor asked.

“Yeah…look.  I’m sorry about earlier.  It gets hard for me to communicate when I’m like that.  Well, even more than usual I should say.” He said deciding to dive in to the explanation.

“Why is it so hard?” Victor asked moving to the side and patting the bed beside him.  Taking the invitation for what it was Yuri crossed the room and sat next to Victor.

“Because it feels like my throat is closing up and that if I try to talk the only thing that will come out will be a scream.” Yuri told him.

“Ah, yeah that would make it difficult to talk.” Victor acknowledged.

“I wasn’t…I wasn’t trying to push you away. I just…sometimes, not all the time but sometimes, being touched when I’m like that hurts. By anyone.  Not just you.” Yuri said feeling this was the centre of the misunderstanding earlier.

“I’m…I’m glad it’s not just me…but why is it so painful.” Victor asked, drawing his knees up to his chin. Yuri had to think about this question.

“Because…because the world is too much.” Yuri tried.

“Too much what?”

“Too much everything.  Too loud, to bright, too sharp. Everything about existing hurts me when I’m like that.  That’s why I got up and went to my room. It’s a safe space where it’s just me and I can try to calm my breathing and get to a point where the world stops hurting.” Yuri said twisting his fingers around each other as he spoke.

“Is it the same when you get nervous before a competition?” Victor asked. Yuri shook his head.

“No, then it feels like I’m underwater.  Like everything is blurry and dark, like the world has fallen out from under me and I’m drowning.” He told Victor, “That’s why I like it when you hug me then, because they make me feel grounded and bring me back down to reality.  During the other kind a touch feels like it will cut me to the marrow. I know it won’t but it feels like it will.” He added

“How can I tell the difference? How do I tell when to comfort you and when you give you space?” Victor asked, he really wanted to get this right. He wanted to be a help, not a hindrance.

“I…I don’t know.” Yuri admitted.

They sat like that in silence for a moment then Victor brightened. His legs came back into a normal sitting position and he beamed at Yuri.

“Yuri! Do you think you could write during a panic attack?” he asked excitedly. Yuri gaped at him and then frowned as he thought about it.

“Yeah…actually I think I could.” He got what Victor was getting at, “Of course! I could write down that I’m having a panic attack and what I need!” He said smiling at Victor.

“Great! That would be perfect! We just need to keep a pad of paper nearby of I you don’t have one you can text it or even just type it into your phone and show it to me!” Victor said happily.  Yuri breathed a sigh of relief and lay back on the bed.

“I’m so glad we sorted that out. Ugh I’m so tired. Panic attacks are so much harder to deal with now I don’t have my dog.” Yuri complained closing his eyes.

“Your dog?” Victor asked pulling the blankets out from under Yuri who obliged by lifting his hips to help, lying flat again once they were out from under him.

“Yeah they were the only thing I could allow near me when I was having one of those kinds of attacks.” Yuri explained as Victor pulled the blankets over him, not really registering the fact that the Russian was tucking him into Victor’s bed. He yawned hugely and stretched as Victor turned off the light.

“Hmmm is that so. Well Makkachin is always available if you need him.” Victor said as he gently removed Yuri’s glasses and put them on the bedside table. Then he crawled under the blankets and wrapped his arms around Yuri who, to Victor’s delight, snuggled up to his chest.

“I’m sorry.” Yuri muttered, his voice muffled and his breath hot against Victor’s skin.

“About what?” Victor asked as he pet Yuri’s hair.

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you for being sulky. Anyone would get sulky at being yelled at for trying to help.” Yuri said reaching out his arms to hug Victor back much to the older man’s surprised delight.

“Ah…well I shouldn’t have been so sulky over something you said when you were clearly upset.” Victor replied, “I guess we’re both going to have to try a little harder.”

There was a pause as they lay in the dark, their breathing slowly syncing up.

“I…I like hugs like this afterwards. I’ve never done it before but when I’m tired and worn out from being so scared and tense this…feels really nice.” Yuri said so softly Victor almost wasn’t sure if he heard it or had simply wished to hear it.

“…I’m glad.” Victor replied finally, choosing to believe Yuri had said it. Yuri hugged him back tighter for a moment before relaxing against him. Victor lay listening as Yuri dropped quickly off to sleep after that. He closed his eyes as the combination of emotions and alcohol hit him, he felt nearly as weary as Yuri did. He let sleep take him as he thought of how best to support Yuri going forward. It wouldn’t’ be easy and he’d probably get his feelings hurt again and Yuri would be hurt too but Yuri was worth the effort.

In the morning, they would tackle new problems.

Together.


End file.
